on my little beat-up turquoise bike, on the bike path behind my apartment block. my ankles say hello.
Dat and I went biking today around Davis, had a (huge) cobb salad and pinkberry pomegranate frozen yogurt for lunch, and basically ran errands/bummed around the whole afternoon. It was a beautiful day in Davis — I was woken up by the sun pouring into my room, and it was so balmy outside I couldn’t bear to be indoors. Took my new-old-used-bike for spins in the parking lot before we set off for the davis commons. As someone who is only ever part of traffic by being in the passenger seat, it was so liberating zipping across lanes and getting myself where I wanted to go, wind unravelling my scarf. It is only the first day, but I already know this is what I will miss: yellow leaves and sunlight, belts of grass and the infinite sky, moving at the speed of my bicycle along the path I will come to think of as my own.
For the last week or so I have been engaged in a battle with independence. My parents and sisters left last night, and all I could think about for the rest of evening was how fear had come full circle, leaving me sobbing at the front door of my apartment, kohl smudging into my father’s blue fleece sweater. In between my departure and theirs, I was overcome with a wild thirst for an attachment-free existence. Somehow having people to rely on made me reliant and useless. I hated having to feel sorry that my parents and sisters were on a holiday of running errands for me, resented how that made me feel moody and upset everyone. All of that didn’t matter when I ran out of my apartment to say goodbye again and only saw the roof of the rental car pull out of the parking lot, and away.
Now that I’ve spent a day without them, I’m beginning to learn a few things: maybe I’m not as helpless as I felt last night, but no way am I cut out to be a believer of Alexander Supertramp philosophy. I am tied to my family, a boy I miss terribly, the buildings and walls and weather of singapore, wild laughter over ice lemon tea at the deck. Not only do I not dream of abandoning these, but look forward to adding this town to my memory maypole. In the meantime, may my new set of wheels give me all the independence I require!